Bonds Beyond Time
by Swagcityy13
Summary: Our legendary heros Yusei fudo, Jaden Yuki, and Yugi/Yami Muto travel travel through time to save the world. very funny!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hey evewyone! i just thought this abridged movie should be on so here it is! this is part 1 so stay tuned!**

**warnings: mild language and slight sexual comments**

**disclaimer: who said i owned yugioh? i don't even own this story! think people!...**

* * *

Chapter 1: stranger

YUSEI: Jack.

JACK (_Constantly yelling_): YUSEI!

YUSEI: There's something you should know.

JACK: WHAAAAAT IS IT, YUSEI?

YUSEI: _Card games on motorcycles_.

(_Beat_)

JACK: WHAT?

YUSEI: I said, _card games on motorcycles_.

JACK: I BEG YOUR PARDON?

YUSEI: I said, _card games on motorcycles!_

JACK: WHAT THE HELL IS A MOTORCYCLE?

YUSEI: You're _kidding_, right?

JACK: HEY, CROW! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT A MOTORCYCLE IS?

CROW: Can't say that I do, Jack.

JACK: YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

YUSEI: But we ride them all the time. It's our trademark.

JACK: WHY WOULD WE DO THAT?

YUSEI: So that we can play card games on them.

JACK: THAT SOUNDS STUPID.

YUSEI: Jack, you're scaring me.

JACK: COME ON, CROW, LET'S GO PLAY A CARD GAME, WHILE STANDING COMPLETELY STILL... (_dramatic zoom with Jack's last three words_) ON. _THE_. _**GROUND**_.

YUSEI: (_stereotypical dramatic slo-mo voice_) **NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-**

(_Yusei wakes up suddenly in his sleeping bag next to his motorcycle._)

YUSEI: _GAHUH!_ (_pants_) Oh, thank _God_!

(_Cut to Doctor Who-style opening, with title and cast, and a Yu-Gi-Oh trading card replacing the TARDIS_)

**LITTLEKURIBOH** **THEAZURECROW** **SHADYVOX**

_Yu-Gi-Oh!_ **BONDS BEYOND TIME** **ABRIDGED**

(_Cut to rap beat-timed zoom in on Earth, finally reaching Venice._)

JADEN: Yeah! Ah!

CAPTION: **Venice, Italy: The Not Too Distant Future**

(_Jaden is jumping everywhere around Venice while dodging fireballs_)

JADEN: I'm Batman! (_explosion; Jaden jumps_) Woah! (_Rapping_) _Y'all gon' make me get my game on!_ _Up in here! Up in here!_ _Y'all gon' make me throw a face-down!_ _Up in here! Up in here!_ (_No longer rapping_) Well it's a good thing I play a lot of _Assassin's Creed_! Huh? Okay, pal, you obviously don't know who I am. The name's Jaden Yuki! (_zoom in on Jaden_) And I'm _absolutely flawless_! (_starts singing_) _Oh, how about a little help, Neos?_ (_Neos deflects an attack; music stops_) It's a good thing Venice is apparently empty, or that might have been kind of dangerous.

PARADOX (_a parody of Mandark from Dexter's Laboratory with Elmer Fudd's speech impediment_): _Pwotagonist_!

JADEN: No, it's Jaden.

PARADOX: I am here for the one who destwoyed the future.

JADEN: Look there must be some kind of mistake. I'm Jaden Yuki.

PARADOX: Yes, that is wight.

JADEN: But I'm harmless! I couldn't destroy anything!

PARADOX: _Cowwection_! I think you will find you destwoyed Yu-Gi-Oh!'s cwedability. And now I am going to destwoy you with my Mawefic monsters! (_Mandark laugh_) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!

(_Cut to Yu-Gi-Oh 5Ds timeline_)

CAPTION: _Neo Domino: The Way Too Distant Future_

(_Yusei looks onto city_)

YUSEI: (_sigh_) It's times like this that I just like to stand here and enjoy the peaceful serenity of a beautiful spring morni-

JACK: (_from behind Yusei_) YUUUUUUUUSEIIIIIIIIIII!

YUSEI: (_deadpan_) _What._

JACK: HI!

YUSEI: (_still deadpan_) Hello, Jack.

CROW: Hey Yusei, can you settle a bet?

YUSEI: What bet?

CROW: Is it gay to like the movie Top Gun?

JACK: IT'S TOTALLY NOT!

CROW: Shut-up Jack. Let Yusei decide.

JACK: OKAY.

YUSEI: Well-

JACK: BUT IT'S NOT GAY.

YUSEI: Well, obviously it's not.

JACK: SEE?

YUSEI: How could a movie where the male protagonists call each other cute nicknames, and play volleyball, and ride their phallic vehicles at extremely high speeds, be anything but straight?

CROW: I dunno. Still seems kind of gay to me.

JACK: NOW THAT THAT'S SETTLED, LET'S GO RIDE OUR MOTORCYCLES AND PLAY SOME HALF-NAKED VOLLEYBALL.

YUSEI: You can be my wingman anytime, Jack.

JACK: NO, YUSEI, YOU CAN BE MINE.

(_Cut to Yusei, Jack and Crow riding their motorcycles on an empty freeway_)

JACK: (_begins singing part of the song_ "Highway to the Danger Zone _by Kenny Loggins horribly off-key and barely qualifying as singing_) DODODUDODO HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER ZONE! YEAH! GONNA TAKE YOU RIDING...! (_not attempting to sing anymore_) OH MY GOD, THIS IS SO STRAIGHT, YOU GUYS!

(American Bad Ass _by Kid Rock starts_)

PARADOX: (_appearing on a motorcycle behind them_) _Pwotagonist_!

YUSEI: Wait! Who's that?

JACK: I DUNNO! BUT HIS HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL! OOOOH!

YUSEI: Jack, look out!

JACK: CROW, LOOK OUT!

CROW: Wario, look out!

WARIO: _I'm-a gonna win!_

PARADOX: I have you now, Pwotagonist! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! (_his motorcycle skids the highway_) I don't know why I did that. Seems kind of dangerous, actually.

JACK: YUSEI! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK!

YUSEI: What?

JACK: WARRIOR! SHOW HIM YOUR JUNK WARRIOR!

YUSEI: I've got a better idea. Come on out, Stardust Dragon!

JACK: OKAY, NOW WHIP OUT YOUR JUNK AND WAVE IT AT HIM!

YUSEI: What?

JACK: WARRIOR!

(_Opening part of_ The Final Showdown-Beelzeboss _by_ Tenacious D _plays._)

PARADOX: And now, Pwotagonist, watch as I turn your favowite monster into a cwappy Phwee-Dee effect! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!

(_movie and music suddenly stops_)

MARTIN BILLANY'S VOICE: We at Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged would like to apologize for the lack of 3D content in this movie. (_red "no *insert object name here*" symbol is shown in front of a pair of 3D glasses_) However, we would like to think this is totally justified since 3D is bullsh*t and adds absolutely nothing to the cinema experience. (_Paradox's Duel Runner is now shown_) So please, enjoy your 2D movie, because it's cheaper and much less obnoxious.

(_movie continues, minus music_)

PARADOX: (_leaving to the sounds of the TARDIS dematerializing_) Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!

YUSEI: I totally won that duel.

(_later, at a clock shop_)

JACK: YUSEI! THAT GUY STOLE YOUR STARDUST DRAGON CARD! WHAT A DICK! I KNOW I DID IT IN SEASON ONE, BUT...UH...I...UH...HE'S A DICK!

CROW: Why did he even take your card in the first place?

YUSEI: Probably to humiliate me in front of my girlfriend.

AKIZA: Oh don't be silly, Yusei! You know I'd never be embarrassed-

YUSEI: (_cutting off Akiza_) _For the last time! I'm dating a motorcycle!_

AKIZA: But why date a motorcycle when you can have me?

YUSEI: Tell her, Jack.

JACK: GIRLS ARE SMELLY.

YUSEI: He's right, they are.

AKIZA: Well I think motorcycles are smelly!

YUSEI: _Get out._

AKIZA: Bu-

YUSEI: _Get._ _Out._

LUNA (_A parody of Snarf from_ Thundercats): Lion-O! Check out what we found on the Internet. Snarf! Snarf!

YUSEI: (_reading what would seem to be a clichéd line from a Yusei/Jack yaoi fanfic_) _"And then Jack turned to Yusei and said 'Come over here and kick my engines into overdrive.'"_

LUNA: Here Snarf! The other page Lion-O! Snarf! Snarf!

CROW: Hey, isn't that Pegasus the creator of Duel Monsters? Yeah, and next to him is Yugi Moto, the King of Card Games!

YUSEI: What the hell is wrong with his hair?

JACK: YUGI MUTO? HE WAS THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED!

YUSEI: It says here that he died a virgin and his last words were "Oh God, I've wasted my life".

JACK: THE GREATEST DUELIST WHO EVER LIVED. I LOVE HIM.

CROW: It also says that dragons appeared and destroyed most of Europe ten years ago...What?

YUSEI: Wait. Look! It's him!

JACK: YOU FOUND WALDO?

YUSEI: It's the guy who stole my card!

JACK: WALDO STOLE YOUR CARD?!

YUSEI: Jack.

JACK: YUSEI!

YUSEI: No.

JACK: 'KAY!

CROW: There's only one explanation for this. He must have traveled through time to steal Yusei's card so he could go back to the past and wreak havoc on the world.

JACK: WOW, CROW! HOW DID YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?

CROW: It's all right here in his Wikipedia article.

YUSEI: Well, if it's on the Internet, it must be true.

AKIZA: Look! Outside!

(_black soot can be seen falling from the sky outside from the window as Marik and Bakura's Theme plays_)

JACK: YAY! IT'S SNOWING! NO SCHOOL FOR US TODAY!

YUSEI: I don't think that's snow, Jack.

(_cut to everyone going outside, where boulders and other objects are falling around people_)

YUSEI: The world seems to be disintegrating around us.

(_A rock falls on a man, making a *squish*_)

JACK: I'M GOING TO BUILD A SNOWMAN!

(_The sign of the Crimson Dragon appears on Yusei's back._)

AKIZA: Hey! I have a tramp stamp just like that.

YUSEI: Strange...I can feel the Crimson Dragon calling to me.

("The Never Ending Story" theme song plays in the background)

CRIMSON DRAGON (_A parody of Falkor from_ The Neverending Story): _Atreyuuuuu!_

YUSEI: What is it, Crimson Dragon?

CRIMSON DRAGON: _You must follow me into the past._

YUSEI: Wait, since when could you travel through time?

CRIMSON DRAGON: _Since like, forever. Kind of a big deal._

YUSEI: In that case, can you take me back in time to see my parents?

CRIMSON DRAGON: _Nooooo. That would be a_ lame _use of my powers. Remember, once you hit eighty-eight miles per hour_-

YUSEI: I'm going to see some serious sh*t?

CRIMSON DRAGON: _Nooooo. You'll be violating the speed limit. So do try to drive slower than that._

(_TARDIS materialization noise plays_)

YUSEI: I must drive to the past to save the future and my friends.

JACK: BYE, YUSEI! DON'T EAT THE YELLOW SNOW! IT'S PEEEEEEEEEEE!

(_song stops_)

(_Cut to GX timeline, with Jaden and Paradox, and Ominous Latin Chanting in the background_)

PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Any last words before I destwoy you and take your wawest monster, Mr. Pwotagonist?

JADEN: I keep telling you, my name is Jaden!

PARADOX: Mawefic Stardust Dwagon, show him the twue power of Pawadox!

(_Jaden gets hit by Malefic Stardust Dragon's powerful blast_)

JADEN: Okay! That tears it! Venice SUUUUCKS! (_he falls over_) Next year I'm vacationing in Germany! Nothing bad ever happens there!

PARADOX: Stardust, here is your chance for an all-out attack.

JADEN: (_childlike voice_) Mother.

(Neverending Story _music starts up again_)

CRIMSON DRAGON: (_appearing out of nowhere_) _Atreyuuuuu!_

YUSEI: (_on his motorcycle_) Paradox.

PARADOX: Pwotagonist?

YUSEI: I came-

PARADOX: What?

YUSEI: -to the past.

PARADOX: Oh.

YUSEI: But I also had an orgasm.

PARADOX: Ewww!

JADEN: Ha! Nice!

PARADOX: But how? How did you follow me back in time?

(_song dies_)

YUSEI: I don't know.

JADEN: _Dang_, son, that is one awesome motorbike you're-

YUSEI: You're not riding it.

JADEN: Worth a shot.

PARADOX: Now I'm going to leave this time-line... for no weason! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha!

(_Paradox disappears with his Duel Runner_)

YUSEI: I totally won that duel.

JADEN: We weren't even dueling.

YUSEI: Duh! Because I won!

* * *

A/N: hey guys! what do you think? i have to give credit to wikipedia! such brilliant writers! i just really thought that this story should be on its just really funny. any see you guys later!


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: if you didnt read 'bonds beyond time pt.1 read it to understand better!_

* * *

_Chapter 2: so close yet so far_

_(Still in Venice_)

YUSEI: My God. The city has been absolutely devastated.

JADEN: Yeah! And he took my Elemental Hero Neos trading card.

YUSEI: This guy has got to pay! For the people of Venice! And my friends.

JADEN: And my favorite trading card.

YUSEI: (_to Jaden_) Who the hell are you and what's wrong with your hair?

JADEN: My name's Jaden Yuki, and I'm absolutely flawless!

GEORGE MICHAEL'S VOICE: _Absolutely flawless..._

YUSEI: Stop being happy.

JADEN: Ain't nobody in the world as fly as me!

YUSEI: I'm serious. Stop it.

JADEN: Bitches just line up to get a glimpse of my sweet moves.

YUSEI: _I'm going to tear the happy right out of your soul._

JADEN: Come on, homie! Don't be a playa hater!

YUSEI: I'm not a player hater. I just hate _you._

JADEN: So what's your name?

YUSEI: Yusei Fudo. I come from a post apocalyptic world where people struggle to survive. I grew up on the streets an orphan. Alone, if it weren't for my friends. I have nothing except my bike and my deck.

JADEN: (_being completely oblivious_) Sounds pretty tight, dawg. Me? I come from a kick-ass school that teaches how to play card games. We sleep on warm, comfortable beds and get served food whenever we want. (_pleasant sigh_) It's a good life.

YUSEI: Well, just look at all the f**ks I give.

JADEN: So, you're from the future?

YUSEI: Yes. You probably have a lot of questions for me but I can't tell you anything. If I were to tell you about the future it would be...dangerous.

JADEN: Dangerous? Why?

YUSEI: Life as we know it would cease to exist. We'd be cast into a world where time and space have no meaning. In short, I can't give you any spoilers.

JADEN: I have a question!

YUSEI: I told you, I can't tell you anything.

JADEN: This isn't a spoiler.

YUSEI: Okay.

JADEN: (_childishly_) Can I ride your bike?

YUSEI: I already told you, no.

JADEN: Oh come on! It'll be fun!

YUSEI: I'll let you ride my bike, _if_ you can tell me one thing.

JADEN: Sure. Ask away.

YUSEI: Why are we in Venice?

JADEN: ...F*ck it! You win.

YUSEI: Always do.

YUBEL: (_appearing as a ghost_) Jaden! This man called your mother fat. I farted on him. He doesn't know it yet.

BANNER: (_Also a ghost_) Hello! I am extremely Asian!

JADEN: (_whispers_) Yusei.

YUSEI: What?

JADEN: (_whispers_) I see dead people.

YUSEI: _I'm going to begin shunning you for the rest of the movie._ Now make yourself useful and open the Internet.

JADEN: I think you'll find that everything on the Internet is completely- _Oh my God!_

YUSEI: Is that woman doing what I think she's doing?

JADEN: I forgot I bookmarked "2 Dark Magician Girls 1 Pot of Greed". I'll just go to .com and- Oh my God! It says our shows never existed! But that would mean-

(_buildings start collapsing_)

JADEN: We have to get out of here. If only we had a motorbike-

YUSEI: You're not riding my damn bike.

CAPTION: **Domino City: Present Day**

(_Fireworks above the city square_)

GRANDPA: Ah! What's going on? Are we being bombed? Is America invading us again? I knew it was only a matter of time!

YUGI: Calm down, Grandpa. It's just the fireworks.

GRANDPA: (_offscreen_) Yugi! Fetch me my gun!

(_on a stage_)

MALE ANNOUNCER: Welcome everyone, to the grand unveiling of a bunch of lame new trading cards. Here to introduce our host, Piiiirate Hitler!

PIRATE HITLER: (_speaking rapidly_) _I shall send ze Jews straight to Davy Jones' locker! Heil Blackbeard!_

YUGI: I love Pirate Hitler. He always makes me laugh.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: And now, without further ado, Ladies and gentlemen, Maximillion Peeeeegasus!

(_Pegasus lands in a helicopter while music starts playing_)

PEGASUS: (_singing_) Welcome, all you foolish nerds...! To the gayest spectacle in the world...! I'm making a cameo in this movie...! I'm much more fabulous in 3D! (_laughs_)

YUGI: Oh hey, Grandpa, it's that guy who kidnapped your soul and then tried to kill me. But now he's our friend.

PARADOX: (_watches from above_) Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, _Pwotagonists_.

(_Cut to a clock reading twelve o'clock noon_)

YUGI: Hm. I wonder what time it is. (_a shadow appears_) Huh? (_dragons appear in the skies_)

GRANDPA: Oh! The Americans are invading us with dragons! Just like back in 1945.

YUGI: We have to get to safety. Grandpa, follow me!

GRANDPA: Whee! (_runs off_)

YUGI: Wait, Grandpa! Where are you going?

GRANDPA: _Death to America!_

(_Face-up Face-down continues to play_)

PEGASUS: Wait! Come back! You can buy my song on CD! Oh that building doesn't look to safe- Oh nooooo! (_black screen_) Oh, looks like I'm _face-down_. Just a typical Friday night for Maximillion Pegasus. (_laughs_) I'm dead.

(_sad music from The Lion King plays as scene changes to Yugi as the only apparent survivor of the buildings collapsing_)

YUGI: (_groans_) Huh? What the hell happened? Grandpa? Grandpa? (_gasp_) No! It finally happened. He finally went to that great big basement in the sky. It's so ironic. He always loved falling buildings, but only when they were falling on other people. (_sobs_) _**Grandpa!**_ (_echoes_) Can I have my Oscar now?

PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Once again, Pwotagonist, you see there is nothing you possess that I cannot take-

YUGI: Hey f**k you man! I'm trying to win an Oscar here.

(Neverending Story _theme plays again_)

CRIMSON DRAGON: _Atreyuuuuu! I am here to consolt you in your griiiiief._

YUGI: Well at least I retained my dignity. Woah!

JADEN: Woah! I thought you said you weren't going to let me ride it.

YUSEI: _Everybody gets one._

YUGI: God! My head hasn't hurt this bad since I watched the Naruto Abridged Movie.

JADEN: Hey man. You okay?

YUSEI: Yeah. And what's wrong with your hair?

YUGI: Who are you people?

YUSEI: We're from the future. I'm Yusei Fudo. I'm the serious one with a voice that makes the fangirls _swoon_.

JADEN: And I'm Jaden Yuki! The cute, hyperactive one that people want to choke in his sleep!

YUGI: I'm Yugi Muto. And _I_ was playing card games before it was cool. Wait a minute. If you guys are from the future then tell me, will I ever get laid?

JADEN: Well actually, now that you mention it-

YUSEI: Jaden, no! We can't tell him anything. If we do, the fabric of space and time could-

YUGI: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, are you guys going to give me spoilers or not?

YUSEI: No!

YUGI: Oh come on! At least tell me if I beat Jaden in the final episode of GX.

YUSEI: Well, _duh_.

JADEN: Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah! What?

YUSEI: It's not a spoiler if it's obvious.

JADEN: _(holding his Elemental HERO Neos card)_ Check it out, dawgs, my Neos card came back! It must be because we came back in time.

YUSEI: That is **not** how time travel works.

JADEN: Well how else do you explain it?

YUSEI: Obviously this movie had its head up its own anus.

YUGI: Well that answers pretty much every question I had.

YUSEI: We've come back to the past to save the world from the evil known as Paradox.

YUGI: What does he want?

YUSEI: We don't know, but he seems to be trying to turn our rarest cards into darker more corrupted monsters.

JADEN: Yeah! And for some reason he hates Venice.

YUGI: That bastard! I can't forgive him. Not after he sent my grandpa to the Shadow Realm.

YUSEI: The _what_ realm?

YUGI: You know. The Shadow Realm. The big purpley cloudy place that you go to when something really bad happens to you.

JADEN: I think you're talking about Hell.

YUGI: No, it's the Shadow Realm. You know whenever people fall from a really tall building...or...they get stabbed in the chest, they go straight to the Shadow Realm. What? You guys don't have the Shadow Realm in the future?

YUSEI: I don't think that's a real thing.

YUGI: So wait. Is my Grandpa... really dead?

JADEN: 'Fraid so, Bro-seph.

YUGI: I thought this was supposed to be a kids' movie!

YUSEI: Yugi. We can't defeat Paradox alone. Well, I mean I probably can, but Jaden definitely can't.

JADEN: That's _cold_, dawg!

(_Ending part of the first series' theme song from the Yu-Gi-Oh English dub plays_)

YUSEI: Yugi Muto. Will you do us the honor of joining us in our quest?

YUGI: You bet I'm in. Nobody f**ks with my favorite trading card game and gets away with it.

YUSEI: Then our threesome is complete.

JADEN: _Aww, yeah_! Looks like we chilling with the King of Games, _byatches_! This sh*t be_ balling'._

YUGI: What?

YUSEI: He said he's happy to have you on board.

(_Music ends_)

YUGI: Oh. It looks like the Crimson Dragon has taken us back to before Pegasus was killed. Now all we need to do is create a distraction. (Marik 1 soft plays)

MARIK: (_on stage_) Greeting, fools, it is I! Marik Ishtar! And I am here to enslave all of you with my- (_gets blown up by a fireball_) _Ah!_

YUGI: Nice shot, Jaden.

YUSEI: Yeah. Way to endanger innocent lives.

JADEN: Don't thank me. Thank Yubel!

YUSEI: Who's Yubel?

JADEN: The demon who lives inside my head.

YUSEI: (_deadpan_) _Wonderful._

PARADOX: Ha haha! Ha haha haha! Ha haha! Ha haha haha! We meet again, _Pwotagonists_.

YUSEI: Alright Paradox it's time you showed us who you really are. Take off that damn mask!

(_dramatic music as Paradox removes his mask_)

YUGI: Oh my God, it's him!

YUSEI: I can't believe it!

JADEN: Damn! I totally didn't see that coming!

YUGI: ...Okay, so does anybody actually know this guy?

YUSEI: Nope.

JADEN: Never met him.

PARADOX: Of course you don't know who I am. I'm fwom the future.

YUSEI: So why were you wearing a mask?

PARADOX: What?

YUSEI: You had a mask on.

PARADOX: No I did not.

YUSEI: Yes you did.

PARADOX: Did not.

YUSEI: You completely, totally did!

PARADOX: Look it makes my chawacter design wook intewesting. What do you want fwom me?

YUGI: (_not noticing the huge clock in the middle of the square_) For the love of God does anyone know what time it is?

(_Europe's_ The Final Countdown _plays_)

PARADOX: I know exactly what time it is. It is time to dododo. Dododododo. Dododo. Dododododuel.

YUSEI: Let's do this guys! For our friends!

JADEN: And Venice!

YUSEI: Yes! And for Venice!

YUGI: And my Grandpa.

YUSEI: Yes! And for your dead Grandpa! But mostly for our friends!

JADEN: (eyes change colors) Ah! Desu desu bitches!

YUSEI: (Signer mark appears) Alright, you time traveling screwhead, listen up! This is my signer mark!

YAMI YUGI: Hey Yugi. (whispers)

YUGI: Pharaoh! That's dirty!

YUGI AND YAMI YUGI: Super special awesome ultra special super sexy transformation sequence! In 3D!

YAMI YUGI: We're back, baby!

YAMI YUGI, JADEN, Yusei: Duel!

BANNER: Good luck everyone. I will be up here if you need an Asian guy. I'm Asian.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: hey guys i'm back! this is it!

* * *

chapter 3: take this sucker down

(_Marik and Bakura's theme plays_)

PARADOX: Very well, Yu-Gi-Oh Pwotagonists! Let's see how you like things, in the Mawific World.

JADEN: Actually, this isn't so bad!

YUSEI: Yeah. It's actually kind of pretty here.

YAMI: Makes a nice change from the Shadow Realm, that's for sure.

PARADOX: Stop that! It is suppose to be thweatening!

YAMI: Look at all the pretty lights!

PARADOX: Stop being impwessed by the Mawific World!

YUSEI: Paradox! You've got some explaining to do!

JADEN: Yeah! Like why the hell were you in Venice?

YUSEI: Look. This isn't important.

JADEN: I disagree-

YUSEI: Shut up. Paradox, why are you trying to destroy the world?

PARADOX: You stupid pwotagonist. I am not trying to destwoy the world, I am twying to save it.

YUSEI: Not if we can stop you-wait what?

PARADOX: In the future, the world as we know it has been destroyed. Humanity's ignorance has caused the planet to become... wavaged and wifeless.

YAMI: Wavaged and wifeless?

JADEN: But how? Was it Global warming?

YUSEI: Nuclear war?

PARADOX: No, none of those things happened. What destwoyed the world was... Caaaarrrrd Gaaaames...

YUSEI: What?

PARADOX: That is wight, Caaaarrrrd Gaaaames...

YUSEI: You're serious?

PARADOX: Yes, vewwwwwwy

YUSEI: How?

PARADOX: What?

YUSEI: How did card games destroy the world?

PARADOX: Well, I was not actually there. But I heard that somebody pwayed a card game. And then boom! End of the world. It totally happened. Just like I said. Just card game-Boom! Evewyone dead.

JADEN: Okay. But how does stealing cards and killing people make everything better?

PARADOX: Look, I planned this.

JADEN: So explain it!

YUSEI: Yeah! Explain your great plan!

PARADOX: All I had to do... was invent time twavel. Then go back in time. And kill Pegasus. And then the future would be better. That's it.

YAMI: You also killed Yugi's Grandpa.

PARADOX: Yeah, and Yugi's Grandpa. I totally meant to do that too. My plan is great.

YUSEI: Also a lot of innocent people died.

PARADOX: Yes there was a little cowwateral damage. Probably not important. My plan is great.

JADEN: Then why are you riding around on a motorcycle wearing an evil mask stealing people's cards and laughing like a maniac? Does that sound like a hero?

PARADOX: Well when you put it like that not weally. But uh...

Jaden: Then what the hell man?! What the actual hell?!

PARADOX: Listen! Either I destwoy the card game or the world itself is destwoyed. It is as simple as that.

YAMI: Hm. The entire world or card games. Tough choice.

YUSEI: There is no choice. Without card games, this world isn't worth living in.

YAMI: You're right Yusei. You always were my favorite protagonist.

YuUSEI: Right back at you, Yugi. It feels so good to know you'll be playing with me. (George Michael's Careless Whisper plays) No homo!

YAMI: Uh, yes! No homo indeed.

PARADOX: Pwotagonists! I challenge you to a card game!

YUSEI: You mean the thing that's going to destroy the world?

PARADOX: Yes! That.

YUSEI: Seems kind of hypocritical.

YAMI: Yes and how is this even going to work? There's three of us against one of you.

PARADOX: It is simple. First Yusei goes, then I go, then Jaden goes, then I go-

YAMI: Wait.

PARADOX: -then Yugi goes and then I go. Sounds fair wight?

YAMI: You've got to be kidding! That means we each get one turn per round and you get like, uh, a gajillion!

PARADOX: I'm glad you understand.

YAMI: Oh come on. But nobody in their right mind would agree something like that-

JADEN: You're on, Paradox! We're going to take you down!

YAMI: Oh God no.

YUSEI: Jaden.

JADEN: Wassup?

YUSEI: If we survive this, I'm going to go back in time and I'm going to slap myself in the face for bringing you on this adventure.

YAMI: Can I come?

Yusei: You can ride with me anytime Yugi. (Careless Whisper _plays_) No homo!

YAMI: Yes! I was just about to say... uh... no homo.

PARADOX: I summon the Mawefic Cyber End Dwagon!

YAMI: Now Yusei. I should point out that this card game... is not going to take place on a motorcycle. I hope you understand that. I don't want you like trying to ride your duel disk or something. We're just going to stand with our feet planted firmly on the ground-

YUSEI: I know how to duel!

YAMI: Well okay then.

Yusei: I Synchro Summon Junk Gardna in Defense Mode.

YAMI: Synchro what?

YUSEI: Synchro Summon.

YAMI: What summon?

YUSEI: Synchro Summon.

YAMI: What what?

YUSEI: Synchro Summon.

YAMI: Oh! What's that?

YAMI: It's where you play a monst-

YAMI: Wait. I seem to have stopped caring.

PARADOX: That was a nice Synchwo Summon, Yusei.

YAMI: Synchro what?

PARADOX: But I'm afwaid not nice enough. Now I summon my Mawefic Wainbow Dwagon!

JADEN: Hey! No fair Paradox! That's my best friend's card!

YUSEI: Seriously? You have friends?

JADEN: Yes!

YAMI: You mean ones that aren't invisible?

JADEN: Oh. Right. Look who's talking.

BANNER: You tell him, Jaden. I'm still very Asian by the way.

JADEN: Freestyle time!

YUSEI: Oh please tell me he's not going to rap.

Jaden: (_rapping_) Paradox, man, I just want to let you know, Ain't no way you're gonna take away our card game, Yu-Gi-Oh! I'm gonna use a Spell Card to bring out my man Neos. Looks like your Cyber End Dragon is about to be toast. What's that? Come again? I got a second move. Looks like Jaden effin' Yuki's got lot to prove. Take down his Rainbow Dragon before he start mournin' I'm gonna lay these cards down right in the Trap Zone.

YAMI: Good job, Jaden! Way to get your _lame_ on!

JADEN: Actually, it's "get your game on"-

YAMI: I know what it is.

PARADOX: Mawefic Pawadox Dwagon! Come forth!

YAMI: Holy Ra! I've seen a lot of dragons in my time but that one takes the cake!

JADEN: And he probably ate it too!

YAMI: Shut up Jaden! You're not funny. So stand back ya'll 'cause it's time for a real main character to take the field.

PARADOX: Oh pwease! You may be the King of Games in your timeline but where I come fwom, Duel Monsters have evolved far beyond your understanding. Compared to me, you are just a learner.

YAMI: That may be the case in your timeline, Paradox. But then we're not in your timeline, are we?

PARADOX: Um-

YAMI: And where I come from Duel Monsters is still a broken exploitable mess of a game. And I'm about to exploit the Hell out of it. (_Magical Trevor plays_) I summon the Dark Magician and Dark Magician with boobies.

DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Hey, Dark Magician. How come we can talk in this movie?

DARK MAGICIAN: A wizard did it.

YAMI: Dark Magician and Dark Magician with big boobies, use Dark Magic Twin Burst to destroy Malefic Paradox Dragon!

JADEN: Hah yeah! Pimp slap like a mofo!

BANNER: I am so happy to be Asian today, you guys!

YAMI: I believe the appropriate phrase is a-booyah.

YUSEI: Let's see you recover from that, Paradox!

PARADOX: I will do more than that, Pwotagonists! Watch as I summon my Mawefic Twuth Dwagon! Yahaha! Ahahahaha!

BANNER: I've never felt so Asian!

(_Pegasus is riding a helicopter through a storm, Spice Girls playing in the background_)

PILOT: Mr. Pegasus. We appear to be flying right into a storm.

PEGASUS: Well why don't you just turn around then?

PILOT: I'm afraid I never finished my helicopter pilot training. I only know how to fly forwards.

PEGASUS: Well then, at least have the decency to turn the music up.

(_Back at the duel_)

JADEN: Ah s**t dawg! I've seen a lot of dragons in my time, but that behemoth definitely takes the cake.

YUSEI: And probably ate it too.

YAMI: _(laughs)_ A dragon. Eating a cake! Yusei, you're so funny.

JADEN: Oh, come on! That's the same joke I used from before!

YAMI: Yes, but Yusei told it better.

PARADOX: Oh, I wish my gweat-gweat gwandfather Dartz was here to see me do this. He would be so pwoud of me.

YAMI: Gentlemen, if we don't make it through this I want you do know it's been an honor playing card games with you. Even you Jaden.

JADEN: Ballin'!

YUSEI: You can be my wingman anytime Yugi.

YAMI: No Yusei, you can be mine. (Careless Whisper _plays_)

YUSEI: No homo right?

YAMI: All of the homo!

PARADOX: Mawefic Twuth Dwagon, lay waste to their monsters and change the future! (_The shared Life Points of Yugi, Yusei, and Jaden drop to 500_) I am wictowious!

YUSEI: (_singing_) There's just no way that we can win. His cards are epic beasts. He duels too well because he's from another time.

YAMI: Listen, both of you! (_singing_) He's gonna to rewrite history. He's gonna to wipe out our card games.

JADEN: Never!

YAMI: Unless we break his massive monster into pieces.

JADEN: Homies. (_singing_) We've been through so much stuff.

YUSEI: I had to hear Jaden rapping.

YAMI: That was rough.

YAMI, JADEN AND YUSEI: Now it's time to take this sucker dow-ow-own.

JADEN: Come on, guys, now it's time to blow doors down.

YUSEI: I hear you, Jaden, now it's time to blow doors down.

JADEN: So make your move cuz' I'm throwing a face-down.

YAMI: Okay, just make sure you don't summon a gay clown.

YAMI, JADEN AND YUSEI: Now we've got to take this sucker down.

YAMI: My hairy balls will make sure he won't take us down.

KURIBOH: Dodolalalalalalalala.

PARADOX:(_singing_) No this can't be happening, how do I get them down?

JADEN: We're going to beat ya! Oh Paradox! No doubt about it! Our card game rocks!

YUSEI: As far as villains go, In anime, I hate to tell you, You're just cliché.

YAMI: That's right you messed with The wrong show. We're not just anyone, We're Yu-Gi-Oh!

YAMI, JADEN AND YUSEI: We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh! _We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh!_ _We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh!_ _We're Yu-Gi-Oh! We're Yu-Gi-Oh!_ _We're Yu-Gi-Oh!_

PARADOX: No no no! No no no no no! No no no! No no no no noooooooooooooooooo!

(_Paradox's life points go down to 0 as Malefic Truth Dragon is destroyed by the combined efforts of Dark Magician, Elemental HERO Neos and Stardust Dragon._)

YAMI: Huh. I think we may have just killed a man.

YUSEI: If anyone asks, Jaden did it.

JADEN: _(laughs_ Yeah! Wait, what?

YAMI: _(narrating)_ Meanwhile, thousands of miles away...

PEGASUS: _(giving cards to other duelists)_ Ooh! So many restraining orders just waiting to happen.

YUSEI: We defeated Paradox. But at what cost?

JADEN: At least we still have card games.

YAMI: Who knows whether we made the right choice. However, the most important thing is that I totally won that duel.

JADEN: What? Ya-Hey! No. I won the duel.

YAMI: I think you'll find it was me.

JADEN: Was not!

YUSEI: You're both wrong.

YAMI: If I were wrong I would be saying you won the duel but I'm not because I did.

YUSEI: It doesn't matter who won. The important thing is, we can keep on winning as friends.

JADEN: That's right. Even though we may never see each other again, we'll always be in each other's hearts.

YAMI: And I totally won that duel.

YUSEI: We all won the duel.

YAMI: Nope. Me. I did it.

YUSEI: Enough! All that matters is we managed to get through all this without disrupting the space time continuum.

JADEN: Yeah! Even though I nearly told Yugi that the Pharaoh dies at the end of his series.

YAMI: What's that now?

(_everything goes white_)

(_in subspace_) Well. This is just fan-tucking-fastic. Now we're stuck in subspace. Way to go Jaden.

JADEN: It's not my fault! I thought spoilers were okay. It's been like, ten years!

YUSEI: This really could not get much worse.

YUMA: Hey guys! This subspace thing is pretty extreme, huh! Talk about pop-flyin'! Get set to get decked motherf**kers. Yeah!

Yusei: What's wrong with his hair?


End file.
